I had scheduled my doctor's appointment with every expectation that I would be hearing the usual stuff. The same things that I had heard before from doctors and from my family and friends, "Well, you need to lose some weight." That was a nice way of saying, "HOLY SHIT! I can't believe that you're so big!" Which in turn was another polite comment really meaning, "HOLY SHIT! Your fat ass needs to lose a TON of weight!" No matter how it was said or not said, it was true, but that had not yet made an impression on me in the slightest way. Until now that is. I was still in what can only be described as one of the best examples of "Thick Headedness". Yes that's right...I used it as a word. Some of you may be saying, "But you really didn't notice it because it was a gradual increase in weight." No, I realized it and promptly forgot it. Ah! The way of humans. To see something important and ignore it. To not do a damn thing about it because it may cause some discomfort or unpleasantness. As you can see, I was no different; but for some unforeseen reason, I had an appointment with the doctor in a little while.
Now at my appointment, I commenced the common and familiar paperwork that we all know too well. I handed it to the woman sitting behind the counter and was asked to please have a seat and wait until called. Which I did. Looking around I saw only a few other people there, all students as it was the Student Health & Counseling Services for CSUSM. Those two girls looked pretty healthy to me. Probably getting their immunizations so they could register for the spring semester or some "woman" thing. I heard my name politely called and I rose up and walked through that door to the back. They weighed me--hold on for a second. They didn't weight me! What? Why not!??! I looked at the nurse and she seemed uneasy. I didn't understand. Why did she have that look on her face? What...the...hell...was...going...on? What the hell was going on was that the scale could not weight me. It had a limit of 350 lbs. To put it in politically correct terms: I was, as you have figured out, considerably heavier than that. The nurse, embarrassed for some reason, said that was OK and asked me to sit down so she could take my temperature and blood pressure. This was to prove to be 'unpleasant' as well. The temperature was OK, but my blood pressure was cause for concern. It was around 170/105. Just a bit high. The nurse, once again, seemed uneasy. This time she only said, "OK".
As I waited in the examination room, I still was in good spirits despite the nurses cryptic facial expressions and uneasiness. While I was waiting I had to go to the bathroom. This, as you remember, had become a frequent activity in my daily life. I did my business and returned to the room. Soon after the doctor came in, Dr. Bates. He immediately read my chart and began to ask questions: How long had I been overweight? Was there anything in my family history that he should now about? Did I have frequent urination? Well, yes I did and I told him so. He said that he was concerned about a few things. I had lab work done before my visit and he said that the results were alarming. Now, at this point, things finally took a serious turn. I asked what was so alarming. He said that my cholesterol was over 500, my triglycerides were over 3,000 (I'll come back to this), and that my blood glucose (sugar) level was around 450 - 470! For those of you who don't know, your glucose level (even after a big meal) should not go above 120 or so. Mine was about 4 times that. Going back to my cholesterol and triglycerides, normal total cholesterol levels should be below about 200 dl/cm3 (deciliter per cubic centimeter) and triglycerides should be below 150 dl/cm3. He told me that they could not accurately measure my triglycerides and that they were, in all likelihood, probably much higher because of how high my glucose levels were.
This brought Dr. Bates to the part that has changed my life forever. I do not use the word "forever" lightly either. Before this, I may have. Before this, I did not have a real grasp on the true sense of the word. I was now about to be exposed to the reality of the full meaning of the word "forever". I was told that I had diabetes. I had no thoughts. No words. No feelings. I just...was. Dr. Bates, kind as he was, kept talking. Explaining a few things and telling me that he was debating whether or not to send me to the hospital for insulin therapy to get my glucose level under control. See, I had what is known as uncontrolled diabetes. That is to say, they were out of control. This, as it turns out, is a more common occurrence than one would think. They (the doctors and researchers) say that out of the population in the U.S. that has diabetes, about a whole third of them do not know it. They have uncontrolled diabetes. This makes up 33.333333...% of the U.S. diabetic population! I was now, or rather had been, part of that group. Misery loving company and all, I did take solace that I wasn't alone in making that mistake, but I didn't know that at the time. He wanted to put me in the hospital??!? Hold on! I had drifted and missed what he had said after that. He repeated himself as I now attentively listened. As he was talking, he drew more blood to double check the results. He said he would put a rush on this and we would have the results tomorrow. It was decided that I did not have to go to the hospital, although he thought I should to be on the safe side. Dr. Bates left it up to me. I chose not to go. Dr. Bates said that if he did not see improvements by Monday that I should expect to be taken to the hospital directly from the campus health center. He also told me to get books and look on the Internet for information on diabetes, as he felt that was the best way for me to learn the basics on diabetes. He wrote me more prescriptions than I had ever seen at one time and handed them to me. He said to get those filled now. Dr. Bates looked at me and said that he had a lot of experience with patients that had diabetes and that he and others at the health center would do their best to help me as long as I made the effort and did what it took to get better.
That was it. I skipped the rest of my classes that day and went home. I didn't listen to the radio. Silence. Just plain silence. What I was thinking about actually came as a surprise to me looking back on it. The only thing that I could think about is how I didn't want to tell anyone about this. Almost as if I were ashamed of it. But what was there to be ashamed of? Regrettably, there was something. Me. It was my fault. It was! Maybe I would have gotten diabetes eventually, but I got diabetes now, not later. Why? Because I LET myself get fat. I let myself eat that shit! I stopped exercising. I got lazy. I DID NOT PUT FORTH THE EFFORT! I did what I despised. I didn't do something because it was hard and what's worse is I not only preached that to those I knew or those who would listen to me, but I did it while I was not! I was my worst nightmare...a hypocrite. How could I tell anyone that? How could I tell my parents, family, friends? For the first time in my life, I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to go on.
Now at my appointment, I commenced the common and familiar paperwork that we all know too well. I handed it to the woman sitting behind the counter and was asked to please have a seat and wait until called. Which I did. Looking around I saw only a few other people there, all students as it was the Student Health & Counseling Services for CSUSM. Those two girls looked pretty healthy to me. Probably getting their immunizations so they could register for the spring semester or some "woman" thing. I heard my name politely called and I rose up and walked through that door to the back. They weighed me--hold on for a second. They didn't weight me! What? Why not!??! I looked at the nurse and she seemed uneasy. I didn't understand. Why did she have that look on her face? What...the...hell...was...going...on? What the hell was going on was that the scale could not weight me. It had a limit of 350 lbs. To put it in politically correct terms: I was, as you have figured out, considerably heavier than that. The nurse, embarrassed for some reason, said that was OK and asked me to sit down so she could take my temperature and blood pressure. This was to prove to be 'unpleasant' as well. The temperature was OK, but my blood pressure was cause for concern. It was around 170/105. Just a bit high. The nurse, once again, seemed uneasy. This time she only said, "OK".
As I waited in the examination room, I still was in good spirits despite the nurses cryptic facial expressions and uneasiness. While I was waiting I had to go to the bathroom. This, as you remember, had become a frequent activity in my daily life. I did my business and returned to the room. Soon after the doctor came in, Dr. Bates. He immediately read my chart and began to ask questions: How long had I been overweight? Was there anything in my family history that he should now about? Did I have frequent urination? Well, yes I did and I told him so. He said that he was concerned about a few things. I had lab work done before my visit and he said that the results were alarming. Now, at this point, things finally took a serious turn. I asked what was so alarming. He said that my cholesterol was over 500, my triglycerides were over 3,000 (I'll come back to this), and that my blood glucose (sugar) level was around 450 - 470! For those of you who don't know, your glucose level (even after a big meal) should not go above 120 or so. Mine was about 4 times that. Going back to my cholesterol and triglycerides, normal total cholesterol levels should be below about 200 dl/cm3 (deciliter per cubic centimeter) and triglycerides should be below 150 dl/cm3. He told me that they could not accurately measure my triglycerides and that they were, in all likelihood, probably much higher because of how high my glucose levels were.
This brought Dr. Bates to the part that has changed my life forever. I do not use the word "forever" lightly either. Before this, I may have. Before this, I did not have a real grasp on the true sense of the word. I was now about to be exposed to the reality of the full meaning of the word "forever". I was told that I had diabetes. I had no thoughts. No words. No feelings. I just...was. Dr. Bates, kind as he was, kept talking. Explaining a few things and telling me that he was debating whether or not to send me to the hospital for insulin therapy to get my glucose level under control. See, I had what is known as uncontrolled diabetes. That is to say, they were out of control. This, as it turns out, is a more common occurrence than one would think. They (the doctors and researchers) say that out of the population in the U.S. that has diabetes, about a whole third of them do not know it. They have uncontrolled diabetes. This makes up 33.333333...% of the U.S. diabetic population! I was now, or rather had been, part of that group. Misery loving company and all, I did take solace that I wasn't alone in making that mistake, but I didn't know that at the time. He wanted to put me in the hospital??!? Hold on! I had drifted and missed what he had said after that. He repeated himself as I now attentively listened. As he was talking, he drew more blood to double check the results. He said he would put a rush on this and we would have the results tomorrow. It was decided that I did not have to go to the hospital, although he thought I should to be on the safe side. Dr. Bates left it up to me. I chose not to go. Dr. Bates said that if he did not see improvements by Monday that I should expect to be taken to the hospital directly from the campus health center. He also told me to get books and look on the Internet for information on diabetes, as he felt that was the best way for me to learn the basics on diabetes. He wrote me more prescriptions than I had ever seen at one time and handed them to me. He said to get those filled now. Dr. Bates looked at me and said that he had a lot of experience with patients that had diabetes and that he and others at the health center would do their best to help me as long as I made the effort and did what it took to get better.
That was it. I skipped the rest of my classes that day and went home. I didn't listen to the radio. Silence. Just plain silence. What I was thinking about actually came as a surprise to me looking back on it. The only thing that I could think about is how I didn't want to tell anyone about this. Almost as if I were ashamed of it. But what was there to be ashamed of? Regrettably, there was something. Me. It was my fault. It was! Maybe I would have gotten diabetes eventually, but I got diabetes now, not later. Why? Because I LET myself get fat. I let myself eat that shit! I stopped exercising. I got lazy. I DID NOT PUT FORTH THE EFFORT! I did what I despised. I didn't do something because it was hard and what's worse is I not only preached that to those I knew or those who would listen to me, but I did it while I was not! I was my worst nightmare...a hypocrite. How could I tell anyone that? How could I tell my parents, family, friends? For the first time in my life, I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to go on.
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